Jean Claude Van Damme's Character: Max Walker
Brought to you by: Cop Staples of pizza, beer, and whiskey
Guest Host: The David
Being our first lesson with the great JCVD, we didn't know what to expect. So we all three (myself, my husband Jeff, and our guest host The David) took separate notes on what we learned throughout the Timecop experience.
What is the point of this blog? We get drunk while watching Jean Claude Van Damme's movies, and teach unto you what we have learned. Enjoy!
What Kate Learned from Timecop:
1. Pizza is exponentially more delicious with whiskey, though only because the whiskey is so gross.
2. Timecops exist to protect General Lee's Gold.
3. Time travel was discovered in 1994.
4. We can't travel forward in time because the future "hasn't happened yet." We also can't kill Hitler because it could destroy mankind.
5. "Your dorsal fin is not bigger than his because you are white and he is black." - The David.
6. Time travel is a good way to make money.
7. Punk kids will rollerblade right into Jean Claude's wolverine shoes. Swear to god.
8. JCVD does not bake cookies for a living.
9. Ferris Bueller's girlfriend calls sex with Jean Claude Van Damme "practicing words."
10. JCVD can travel back to the future while freefalling from Wall Street buildings.
11. All Elections are won only with television.
12. If JCVD cannot go back to save Ferris Bueller's girlfriend, then Ron Silver cannot go back to steal money!
13. Cars drive themselves in 2004.
14. JCVD watches old videotapes of himself and quotes himself throughout.
15. The first guy sent to kill you gets a gun, but all subsequent attackers only get knives.
16. Oh its a taser! A taser with a laser sight!
17. Don't shoot a taser into water, it will electrocute you holding the taser.
18. JCVD closes doors on women constantly.
19. "Looks like safe sex to me." -JCVD
20. Timecops are standard issued leather jackets, so the can look cool while they timecop.
21. JCVD doesn't know proper chewing gum etiquette.
22. Cops don't wear bras.
23. "Never interrupt me when I'm talking to myself!" - Ron Silver
24. Before I shoot the timecop, let me explain to a bunch of cops and thugs how guns work. Oh crap! He kicked his way out again.
25. Future you wants you to eat less.
26. "In my future you're dead."
27. Chief's wife's goulash is too salty. This is important
28. My time travelling cop husband is suddenly 10 years older. What could that possibly mean?
28. My time travelling cop husband is suddenly 10 years older. What could that possibly mean?
29. "Am I dead in the future?" "...........No."
30. There is never enough time to satisfy a woman.
31. He knows I like birdhouses! He must be my husband! I have no other personality traits!
32. Its raining. I should hide on this weather vane.
33. Wait, that guy you're using as a human shield looks a lot like me if I totally gave up on life. But he does have a mullet. Should I shoot?
34. Now nobody has a future!
35. When two of the same thing occupies the same space...well, it's like wibbly-wobbly, ooey-gooey, paradoxy...stuff.
36. A timecop you've never met before just referenced the first time you had sex with creepy detail. By all means, don't question what he has been doing in his off time.
37. Wood paneled future car!
38. Every timecop knows that Fielding's first time was underwhelming, but can they tell why kids love the taste of cinnamon toast crunch?
39. He responded to her being pregnant that she waited 10 years and died to tell him with, "Great."
40. Jeff realized that we drank the same thing as they sing about in the song "Hug Something" by Wumba Chumba (we didn't, actually. We didn't have a vodka drink or a lager drink.)
41. JCVD's character name is misleading in this movie. He did not walk maxly at all. He did, however, round house kick enough to be a Texas Ranger.
What The David learned from Timecop:
1. Note to Timecop: Whiskey + Katie = Whiney
2. JCVD's name is Walker and just like every other Walker I expect a lot of roundhouse kicks.
3. The problem with killing Hitler is it destroys mankind.
4. You can carbon date gold?
5. Ferris Bueller's girlfriend will go home with anyone that has a cheesy line.
6. Timecop, a gripping tale of pre-determinism in the futuristic age of 1994.
7. In the near future of 2004, CRT monitors display a poorly cg'ed world at timewar.
8. Apparently the 2012 presidential election followed the Timecop guidelines that you don't need anything but money to buy network time to win.
9. JCVD doesn't understand time travel. He suggests to his partner when they get to 1994 that she should call Bobby and offer him sex advice. But that will cause her to fall in love with Bobby, never become black chick time cop and cause a paradox that will destroy the universe.
10. Extremely flammable barrels make for a bad cover.
11. JCVD runs out of bullets, but never runs out of roundhouse kicks.
12. The movie's plot hinges upon the largest oversight in futuristory. That the prototype for one of the most powerful weapons ever, was never dismantled or adequately guarded.
13. Timecop = Constable Spacetime?
14. Ferris Bueller's girlfriend tells someone she's pregnant like she's breaking up with them.
15. Soldiers in 2004 don't know to not stand behind a jet engine. No wonder the war in Iraq took so long.
16. Ferris Bueller's girlfriend...Come with me if you want to live.
17. JCVD can't tell her that there's a bomb in her house but can tell her to keep her husband upstairs and rewrite history that way. Time travel is hard.
18. Bad guys totally miss the 3 Ninjas strategy.
19. Rain + lightening = hide on the roof by the TV antenna.
20. Next time on future weapons...Flashlights on pistols.
21. Even nexter on future weapons...Flashlights on shotguns.
22. Can JCVD's future pants touch JCVD's past pants?
23. Disney endings still happen in 2004.
What Jeff learned from Timecop:
1. Georgia is in the Pacific Northwest.
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