Lesson #2: Sudden Death

Movie: Sudden Death
Jean Claude Van Damme's character: Darren Francis Thomas McCord
Brought to you by: More Beer!
(in trying to stay with drinking alcohol themed to the movie, I decided a movie about Hockey could still incorporate beer.)

Guest Host: The David (again)

Given how awkward the lessons of Timecop seemed once it was done, we decided I would drunkenly scribe all of our lessons combined into one list for Sudden Death. We watched this immediately after Timecop, as it took most of Timecop for us to actually get drunk enough to be funny. This was a valuable lesson for future posts, get drunk BEFORE you watch the movie and not WHILE you watch the movie. I feel we learned a lot more from Sudden Death than we had from Timecop, as such.

What we (myself, Jeff, and guest host The David) learned from Sudden Death:
1. There can possibly be two JCVD's because he is a McCord, not a McCloud.
2. Fire is not a sudden death, it's slow and painful.
3. Blondie, made this movie (not really, Jeff can't read).
4. Steven Kemper the Man with the Temper.
5. Based on the true story by Kevin Baldwin.
6. Being the drunk scrib sucks.
7. Little girl dies in the fire with no burns.
8. Robin Williams as Rod Stewart and Don Cheadle as the guys who throw people in the van.
9. She's practicing to be deaf.
10. Did you say Tittiesburg? Because we're going!
11. Why doesn't JCVD have any French named children? Really, Emily and Tyler?
      Yeah, they should be named Pierre and Uhhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh!
12. Popcorn is highly flamable.
13. Why is there a countdown until my face falls off?
14. She keeps her machine gun with the produce.
15. He asked for cookies and she gave him fig neutons. She mocks fruit and cake!
16. 555-1793, that's my husband's work number!
17. I want to be the mastodon of a hockey team.
18. In a world where explosive popcorn holds the Vice President hostage...
19. One of the players has a fever of 104.
20. Popcorn Nuke?
For the record, everytime Popcorn is said, Jeff would start singing this song:
http://youtu.be/NjxNnqTcHhg
So at this point in the film, Jeff is singing this and various 90's instrumental music.
21.  I don't think he has enough explosives in those bags of popcorn (http://youtu.be/NjxNnqTcHhg) to stop all the clocks in the western hemisphere. Is he even taking South America into consideration? Racist.
22. Derptroit!
23. I don't care about your cornholio effect or what it does to the toilet bowl.
24. Jeff is now singing "I Shot the Sheriff."
25. Crumping started when someone humped something while crying.
26. The mascot always has access to the Vice President.
27. Her gun only has 3 bullets.
28. The didn't inform the guy at the base of the elevator that there was a situation?
29. At this point, Jeff is singing "Shaft" only he is singing it about a man with a mustache (probably The David).
30. Did you just say something about shit kung fu in the bathroom?
31. Roundhouse kicks don't work on penguins.
32. But Pepper flakes do.
33. You can kill someone by sending them through the dishwasher.
34. Jeff is now singing the Darth Vader theme music. The David and I cannot figure out why.
35. Kitchen Fight 2: F@#k You and F@#k your kid, starring Robin Williams as Rod Stewart.
36. Dude got boned in the neck. I call that a deep throat.
37. Wait, Popcorn Nukes (http://youtu.be/NjxNnqTcHhg) are the only thing that can save Tittiesburg from Popcorn Nukes?
38. Wow, Tittiesburg's hockey arena looks like a giant blue breast.
39. "Scratch my back with a hacksaw."
40. Now Jeff is singing "We Are the Champions."
41. Dead people can operate zambonies.
42. Jeff will zambonie The David's sister.
43. The David doesn't have a sister, so that's really impressive.
44. Jeff wants to watch JCVD kick autistic kids. The David and I do not agree.
45. The tit opens and shoots fireworks.
46. Jeff says all tits do that.
47. Jeff will put pressure on your penguin.
48. And then JCVD MacGuyvered a gun in the kitchen with some tubing.
49. All black people in law enforcement look the same to The David when drunk. For the record, it was the same man, but his drunken confusion still made him say this.
50. Because he needs the daughter, the son, and the Holy Ghost.
51. Jeff and The David are now both singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
52. Because only JCVD knows sign language.
53. Wait, he's taking the time to put his shoes back on?
Yeah, he doesn't want to Die Hard this Bitch. See? Broken glass, immediately after. JCVD would be John McClaneing it right now.
54. I think Jeff stole a football from a child. He denies it.
55. We're pretty sure the name of this place is Our Lady of the Malevolent Tit Dome.
56. Jeff cried when they shot the whiskey bar.
57. JCVD's daughter did what no other woman could do. She pulled herself up from hanging over the edge BY HERSELF!
58. The bottom side of helicopters are not bulletproof.
59. Helicopters knocked on their tails will fly straight down. Its science. JCVD science.
60. "My daddy's a fireman."
61. "I'm going to kick you. I'm going to kick you in the football. Right in the football portion of your body. Jeff, where is the football portion of his body?"
"The prostate."
"Don't kick my football!"

And there you have it, a very educational film.

Lesson 1: Timecop

Movie: Timecop
Jean Claude Van Damme's Character: Max Walker
Brought to you by: Cop Staples of pizza, beer, and whiskey

 

Guest Host: The David

Being our first lesson with the great JCVD, we didn't know what to expect. So we all three (myself, my husband Jeff, and our guest host The David) took separate notes on what we learned throughout the Timecop experience. 

What is the point of this blog? We get drunk while watching Jean Claude Van Damme's movies, and teach unto you what we have learned. Enjoy!

What Kate Learned from Timecop:

1. Pizza is exponentially more delicious with whiskey, though only because the whiskey is so gross. 

2. Timecops exist to protect General Lee's Gold.

3. Time travel was discovered in 1994.

4. We can't travel forward in time because the future "hasn't happened yet." We also can't kill Hitler because it could destroy mankind.

5. "Your dorsal fin is not bigger than his because you are white and he is black." - The David.

6. Time travel is a good way to make money.

7. Punk kids will rollerblade right into Jean Claude's wolverine shoes. Swear to god. 

8. JCVD does not bake cookies for a living.

9. Ferris Bueller's girlfriend calls sex with Jean Claude Van Damme "practicing words."

10. JCVD can travel back to the future while freefalling from Wall Street buildings.

11. All Elections are won only with television.

12. If JCVD cannot go back to save Ferris Bueller's girlfriend, then Ron Silver cannot go back to steal money!

13. Cars drive themselves in 2004.

14. JCVD watches old videotapes of himself and quotes himself throughout.

15. The first guy sent to kill you gets a gun, but all subsequent attackers only get knives.

16. Oh its a taser! A taser with a laser sight!

17. Don't shoot a taser into water, it will electrocute you holding the taser.

18. JCVD closes doors on women constantly.

19. "Looks like safe sex to me." -JCVD

20. Timecops are standard issued leather jackets, so the can look cool while they timecop.

21. JCVD doesn't know proper chewing gum etiquette.

22. Cops don't wear bras.

23. "Never interrupt me when I'm talking to myself!" - Ron Silver

24. Before I shoot the timecop, let me explain to a bunch of cops and thugs how guns work. Oh crap! He kicked his way out again.

25. Future you wants you to eat less.

26. "In my future you're dead."

27. Chief's wife's goulash is too salty. This is important
28. My time travelling cop husband is suddenly 10 years older. What could that possibly mean?

29. "Am I dead in the future?" "...........No."

30. There is never enough time to satisfy a woman.

31. He knows I like birdhouses! He must be my husband! I have no other personality traits!

32. Its raining. I should hide on this weather vane.

33. Wait, that guy you're using as a human shield looks a lot like me if I totally gave up on life. But he does have a mullet. Should I shoot?

34. Now nobody has a future!

35. When two of the same thing occupies the same space...well, it's like wibbly-wobbly, ooey-gooey, paradoxy...stuff.

36. A timecop you've never met before just referenced the first time you had sex with creepy detail. By all means, don't question what he has been doing in his off time.

37. Wood paneled future car!

38. Every timecop knows that Fielding's first time was underwhelming, but can they tell why kids love the taste of cinnamon toast crunch?

39. He responded to her being pregnant that she waited 10 years and died to tell him with, "Great."

40. Jeff realized that we drank the same thing as they sing about in the song "Hug Something" by Wumba Chumba (we didn't, actually. We didn't have a vodka drink or a lager drink.)

41. JCVD's character name is misleading in this movie. He did not walk maxly at all. He did, however, round house kick enough to be a Texas Ranger.

What The David learned from Timecop:

1. Note to Timecop: Whiskey + Katie = Whiney

2. JCVD's name is Walker and just like every other Walker I expect a lot of roundhouse kicks.

3. The problem with killing Hitler is it destroys mankind.

4. You can carbon date gold?

5. Ferris Bueller's girlfriend will go home with anyone that has a cheesy line. 

6. Timecop, a gripping tale of pre-determinism in the futuristic age of 1994.

7. In the near future of 2004, CRT monitors display a poorly cg'ed world at timewar.

8. Apparently the 2012 presidential election followed the Timecop guidelines that you don't need anything but money to buy network time to win.

9. JCVD doesn't understand time travel. He suggests to his partner when they get to 1994 that she should call Bobby and offer him sex advice. But that will cause her to fall in love with Bobby, never become black chick time cop and cause a paradox that will destroy the universe.

10. Extremely flammable barrels make for a bad cover.

11. JCVD runs out of bullets, but never runs out of roundhouse kicks.

12. The movie's plot hinges upon the largest oversight in futuristory. That the prototype for one of the most powerful weapons ever, was never dismantled or adequately guarded.

13. Timecop = Constable Spacetime?

14. Ferris Bueller's girlfriend tells someone she's pregnant like she's breaking up with them.

15. Soldiers in 2004 don't know to not stand behind a jet engine. No wonder the war in Iraq took so long.

16. Ferris Bueller's girlfriend...Come with me if you want to live.

17. JCVD can't tell her that there's a bomb in her house but can tell her to keep her husband upstairs and rewrite history that way. Time travel is hard.

18. Bad guys totally miss the 3 Ninjas strategy.

19. Rain + lightening = hide on the roof by the TV antenna.

20. Next time on future weapons...Flashlights on pistols.

21. Even nexter on future weapons...Flashlights on shotguns.

22. Can JCVD's future pants touch JCVD's past pants?

23. Disney endings still happen in 2004.

What Jeff learned from Timecop:

1. Georgia is in the Pacific Northwest.